Day Two... Marvelous Light

I had never heard of Ellie Holcomb and therefore had not heard of this song, "Marvelous Light".  After catching it on "The Message" of Sirius XM I have been hooked to the point that I have listened to it about 20 times just today.  Here are the lyrics of the song...

I am not who I once was
Defined by all the things I've done
Afraid my shame would be exposed
Afraid of really being known
But then you gave my heart a home

So I walked out of the darkness and into the light
From fear of shame into the hope of life
Mercy called my name and made a way to fly
Out of the darkness and into the light

With years of keeping secrets safe
Wondering if I could change
'Cause when you're hiding all alone
Your heart can turn into a stone
And that's not the way I want to go

So I walk out of the darkness and into the light
From fear of shame into the hope of life
Mercy called my name and made a way to fly
Out of the darkness and into the light

There's no place I would rather be
Your light is Marvelous
Your light is Marvelous

You have come to set us free
You are Marvelous
Your light is Marvelous

[lalalalalalalala...]

So I walked out of the darkness and into the light
From fear of shame into the hope of life
Mercy called my name and made a way to fly
Out of the darkness and into the light

[lalalalalalalala...]

I guess this song is kind of the theme song for this new journey I am on.  Sums up what I have been feeling and what I think it is really about but more importantly what I think God is going to do with me during this time.  

From yesterday and my beginning story, I hope this time I can bring myself out our the dark and into God's marvelous light.  

Being the chubby kid was who I had become.  My new identity.  I had gone from the smallest kid to the chubbiest one.  It was not easy.  Life that was already hard got harder.  I did it to myself.

I used food to hide from what I was feeling.  Like I said at the beginning there was no one that could help understand what I was feeling or that would even listen to me.  

Luckily, after a few months of being separated from my dad and brother, our parents decided that the complete separation  was too much for any us any longer.  So things changed and we got to live with both parents.  It was great.  While it did not bring our family together like I had hoped, it was at least better getting see my dad and brother.

Food, still for a lot of times, was a friend.  Not a great one, but it was there.  I guess on some levels like an alcoholic or another addict, I was an addict to food.  There seemed to be a promise that it would always be there, never leave and comfort me when I needed it too.  I know now that those were just LIES... offering me something that would not fill what I needed.  What I needed was just help and to learn how to cope.  

At the same time, church was always there too.  Teaching me truth.  That the only thing that could fill what we desired most... was God.  For me, food's message was earlier and was there when I did not think God was.  Again, I was believing lies and putting trust and hope into them.

I re-read this words and even to myself they sound illogical.  However, the truth is anything can overcome and consume us if left unchecked.  But see for me, here is the problem, we all need food to survive.  So it was easy to overgeneralize thoughts about food.

Life was able to offer some times of good moments and mostly that came through school.  Later in elementary school, good grades and taking up the trumpet provided me something better. Something that seemed to draw the attention from my weight and onto something I could be proud of for once.  

New Journey

Today... I have to start somewhere.  For as long as I can remember I have been overweight.  Well that is not completely true.  Before third grade in 1991, I was not overweight and in fact, I was scrawny.  Hard to believe I know.  So what happened in '91 that changed?  Well a lot.

My parents has been married for 16 years in '91 but that is where it would end.  Our family before this time was happy, at least from my perspective.  I was the youngest by seven years to my brother.  In '91 I would have been nine.  Like I said, from what I knew life was good and my parents loved each other.  

That year though, I heard my parents scream and fight like they never had.  My brother would comfort me, when their fights would make me cry.  I couldn't understand what was taking place.  One night in particular, my father was home at night; it was during this time that he was working third shift and mom was working first.  Needless to say, their paths did not cross much.  At home with dad and my brother, we cried over the developments and that the divorce was immanent.  

Divorce is ugly especially where there are children involved... no matter their age.  What made this divorce uglier than most was a decision mom and dad made about us, their children.  They decided that everything would be split between, even me and my brother.  The decision made was that my brother would live with my dad and I would live with mom.  It would have been one thing to have dad move out of the house, but to lose my brother too, was downright torture. 

How does a child at nine handle this kind of torture?  For me, I became comforted by food.  Mom was grieving on her own and therefore could not turn to her, my brother was not around to help me understand and during this time, no one else could help.  When I would come from school, an empty house was waiting me.  No one would be home for hours till mom got home from work.   To make the pain I was feeling any better, I would go to cabinet where the potato chips were located and would follow to wash the whole bag down with whatever coke (soft drink) or kool-aid I could find in the fridge.

None of this is to smear my mother or father, but for me to come to truth of why 24 years later I am still overweight I have to uncover the truth and where it all began.  

This was the beginning of my story.  Also, at this point, food was my counselor, comfort, understanding, light in the dark and everything else I needed at that time.  I guess you make the point that this was the beginning of me being an emotional eater.

During this journey, I read from Philippians 4:18-19 (NLT), "At the moment I have all I need-and more!  I am generously supplied with the gifts you sent me with Epaphroditus.  They are a sweet-smelling sacrifice that is acceptable and pleasing to God.  And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus."  Therefore, my prayer for myself is for God to provide me with courage, hope, willpower and strength during this journey.